so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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