I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
