I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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