I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
