they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
