He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
