I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
