Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
