Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
