My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
