so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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