She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
