I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
