just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
