I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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