I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
