I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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