not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
