Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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