i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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