It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
