you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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