I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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