I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
