What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
