The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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