so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We left an ass print on the piano.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
