remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
