im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
