Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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