I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
