Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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