we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
