Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
