omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
