Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
