help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
