I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
