We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
