I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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