dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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