When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
