He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
