I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
