My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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