dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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