holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
did i just pee glitter
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
