apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
