I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
