He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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