dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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