omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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