I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
