shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
